if you leave there's going to be space.

Dear you,

I need to apologize. Mostly for my behavior, but also for my lack of propriety.

Maybe it's because I've always felt like I could never do what I wanted. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling like a pre-programmed robot, always expected to make the right choices and decisions and never really feel anything.

Or maybe it's just because I'm tired of crying every night for no goddamned reason and I'm too afraid to ask anyone to stay with me so I don't.

And I realize I could talk to you. I realize that you're always willing to listen, but I'm terrified that if I open my mouth and say something actually substantial, I'll do something dumb like mess up my English (like I always do) or I'll start getting choked up or I'll change the subject halfway through because I'm not so great with getting out my feelings.

I could tell you plenty of things, but I've never been so great at speaking.

I could tell you how I think I'm getting bad again and I don't know what to do to make it go away but the last thing I want is pity.

I could tell you how I've never felt normal and how that always seemed like such a bad thing, because how could God love me when I'm just part of that abnormal 1%?

I could tell you how I'm planning to talk to my brother next weekend and how I'm so terrified of what he might say or think.

I could tell you that I'm terrified I'm going to make you hate me.

I could tell you that I'm sorry.

But then again, you might not believe me.

Sincerely,
xx
Blue