my lips are swollen from anticipation without you.

Dear you,

I don't know how to tell my mother that I don't believe in the same god as her anymore. I don't dare to break her heart but it's breaking mine to keep on lying.

I don't know how to let people in on my secrets without making them a bigger deal than they are and without making them less than they seem. I kept them silent for so long that I've forgotten what they sound like.

I don't know how to say words the way people want to hear them without them coming out in a way I didn't mean. I like to be honest but sometimes it's just easier to be quiet instead.

I don't know how to handle it when people point out flaws of mine I didn't know were there. I get that they want me to fix them but I never knew those parts of me were broken and I never owned the blueprints of the way they should be, just the way they are.

I don't know how to deal with being a person anymore because I'm afraid I've forgotten what it means to function properly. I know I'm supposed to be learning responsibility and earning myself a degree here at college but I don't think I can do this for another semester without a self help book or at least some self actualization occurring.

And I especially don't know how to be anything but myself for you even when I'm not what you need or want.

Sincerely,
xx
Blue