white lights reflecting it all back to you.

Dear you,

Somehow it seems with each day that passes I fall more and more deeply in love with the memory of you.

Each private joke and conversation is repeated in my head over and over and over and over and over going on endlessly in a continued loop that I can't escape from. I replay sentences and paragraphs and novels of conversations wondering where I said the wrong thing or what I did wrong that made you say nothing at all. Though I haven't tried very hard to stop it seems because somehow I find myself still wanting to remember you when all I keep begging for is to forget.

I hear your laugh in every song I listen to and I understand the depth of your eyes a bit more each time I forget to breathe from how much it hurts to love you with you gone. I remember things that didn't actually happen and I wake up each morning forgetting what the difference is between dreams and memories.

The spaces between my fingers may seem small but to me they are the world you left behind and I'm still waiting for you to come fill them back up again.

I don't like to say I'm heartbroken when I'm so young but what other name could I pin on this feeling that makes my ribs feel as though they are collapsing in on themselves and it is harder and harder to breathe each time I exhale your name from my lips.

I can't help but wonder how you managed this when you're so very far away and my fingertips are never going to run through your hair and you're never going to find my ticklish spots and neither of us are ever really going to give up all our bad habits we always said we'd break but never managed to.

The only way I'm ever going to figure you out is through my memories and the only way you're ever going to figure me out is if you decide the four years weren't enough and I wasn't so worthless after all.

I realize that it's all pointless. That it isn't tormenting you and exploding your insides the way it is doing to mine. I wonder every day if it was easy for you to leave. If it was easy for you to forget. If maybe not loving me as much as I loved you made it easier for you to decide that all the songs in the world weren't enough to make you stay.

You are written in permanent marker on my soul and no amount of desperate erasing is ever going to make you go away. You took everything from me and left nothing but a single note that I had expected to be an explanation but all I got was a song that never meant anything at all but has somehow become the reason I no longer can say the words "I love you" without my voice cracking.

No amount of pretty words or sleepless nights is ever going to bring you back to me, however. I just hope that whoever she turns out to be is the woman who doesn't take everything from you. Because though I should say you deserve it I can't bare the thought of you left cold and broken again.

The memories will keep repeating and I will keep on not sleeping and you will keep making me fall in love with you each time I hit replay on a song that I should have never listened to in the first place.

But most of all I will keep regretting every word I didn't say to let you know my heart rested with yours all along.

Sincerely,
xx
Blue