create a ballad for the distance from here to there.

Dear you,

There is no such thing as beginnings. I'm afraid this isn't one either. This is only a part in the middle of a very long story no one will ever have the time to read, one blip in the series of memories that make up my soul.

You won't even begin to understand it, but then neither will I.

I am a contradiction: I am the sun rising in the west and you are the only one who has turned to watch me happen because I don't set the sky on fire, I only melt the clouds.

I am losing weight faster than I can think and I wonder if that's because I have less food to eat or if because my body is just too full on missing people to fit anything else.

I am not a love letter or something mysterious scrawled in the margins of your notebook. I am a footnote, defining a word that you didn't particularly care about but you still find interesting. I am a reminder to something you can't quite remember but that seems important so you keep me around in case the memory comes to you.

I am stuck somewhere between who I was and who I should be and though I'm constantly moving, my feet haven't shifted at all.

I feel as though I have nowhere I belong though I can't possibly be somewhere where I'm not meant to be.

My phone is full of notes to myself that I wrote when I was half-asleep, that I have no idea what the meaning of them could be. They seem profound but most of them are just reminders to me of why I should take my sleeping pills.

When I list my favorite things I somehow end up with half-smiles and the word "shit" at the top just under iced tea and my mix CDs.

I'm still trying to understand my own body the same way I am still trying to understand the gaps that are expanding between my teeth and trying to finish that book I never started years ago.

I'm sorry I never got to know you and I am sorry you can only know me with these words.

But I hope that maybe you'll discover why I write these letters each time I tell you my name.

Sincerely,
xx
Blue