on goldfish and regret.

Dear you,

I was sitting passenger and he was driving and we drove over one hundred miles on a road I had never been down before, and I don't know what he was thinking about but I was thinking about how the lights reflected off the lake and what it would be like to drive straight into the blackness and what would happened if we turned left instead of right and why was I brave enough to turn left but not brave enough to say no when honestly I couldn't help thinking about you.

And maybe I didn't want to say no simply because I wanted to know what it would be like to not say no for once. My resolve was taking the night off and I was high on the wind and the view and the lights, lights, lights, and maybe it was because it was night or maybe it was because I wanted to be wanted, but I didn't want to listen to my rationality. I wanted to just exist.

All I know is that I woke up this morning smelling like him and I should feel regret and I should wonder if what I did was okay and I should think that I'm wrong but I don't. I don't feel any of that and I wonder if that's normal or what you'd think about it. I want to know what you think. Maybe it's not that I didn't say no because I wanted him but because I actually wanted you and I don't know how to get you to want me in the same way I want you because it's much more than lights and drives with you, with you it's laughter and snorting and not caring if I look ugly or if I get bedhead or if I look clumsy or dumb or if you know I'm crazy about dogs or that I love my goldfish more than most people because I just want you to know me as myself and to fall in love with that whole part of me because that's who I am and that's my normal.

I don't want to be fake with you. I don't want to wonder why I did something or why I told you something or why I didn't say no because I don't want to say no when it comes to you. If you asked I would give you a million yeses and a million more and then I wouldn't wonder later why I didn't feel regret because I wouldn't think of it as a mistake in the first place. I would just be happy and I think I would do more than exist because I would think you would be happy too.

All I know is I keep thinking about you and I just want you to ask me to be your Valentine more and more every day we get closer to February 14th.

Sincerely,
xx
Blue