It's 3:50AM and I'm awake.
I'm awake because I can't sleep.
Again.
I'm awake and I can't sleep and I don't know why I'm even awake and my mind is thinking everything and nothing all at once and I can't sleep.
And that line from Fight Club just keeps repeating in my head, endlessly,
"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake."
because it's unbelievably true.
When you have insomnia, you lose all sense of time and sometimes you forget if you haven't slept in days,
or if you just woke up from a nap two minutes ago.
You forget the meaning of tired, because you're too busy being consumed by the feeling.
I'm awake and I don't remember when I last really slept on a normal schedule.
I just wish I could go to a doctor and tell him,
"I can't sleep."
and he'd give me some magical remedy to fix everything wrong with me.
Because insomnia isn't my only problem right now.
I'm awake and I can't sleep and I can't cry and I'm sad to the point of being apathetic to everything.
I just want to sleep and I just want to cry and I just want to feel like a functioning human being,
but that's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon.
I'm staring college dropout in the face and I'm wondering why I'm even still pretending I'm okay anymore.
I want to scream and cry and throw everything I care about out my third story bedroom window, including myself.
But I haven't, I don't, I'm not going to.
Because it's 4:06AM and I'm still awake and I still am not able to cry and I'm still feeling nothing that I want.
And I just keep thinking of Fight Club,
"With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything's far away. Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy."
because sometimes I feel like I'm Tyler Durden.
And sometimes I wish I could blow up my apartment and live a different life and finally, maybe, sleep.
Sincerely,
xx
Blue
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