something about this just don't feel right.

Dear you,

I've been struggling to write a letter for weeks now.

There isn't a lot to write about when
you're dealing with a broken heart
that everyone already knows you have
and everyone's already heard about.

There isn't a lot to write about when
your mom is making you take happy pills
just so you stop complaining about how
you wish you could stop existing.
(You're 40% joking. You think.)

There isn't a lot to write about when
your room is still a mess
like it has been since you moved
back home over two months ago.

But I think I've found things to write about.

My best friend came back yesterday
after being gone for two years
and I'm so afraid he'll have moved on
from being friends with me.

I'm so afraid I'll be too different after two years
or maybe not different enough.

I'm so afraid that even though
I'm turning 20 in only three days
he'll only see the girl he knew before he left
who was only 17 years old.

I'm so afraid of goodbyes
but I'm even more afraid
of "welcome back".

My friends are all getting married
or are finding people they want to marry
and I'm just sitting here
wondering why I'm the only one alone.

I'm so afraid I won't be able to find someone to love me
in the way all my friends seem to be able to find people.

I'm so afraid the "no" in answer
to the "do you have anyone?"
will always be there
no matter how hard I look for a "yes".

I'm so afraid I'm too late to the party
but at the same time I'm too young
to even begin looking for my "yes"
and I wonder why I'm even worried.

The problem with all these fears
is that I'm trying not to be swallowed up by them
because I don't want to worry anyone
anymore than I already am.

The problem with all these fears
is that I don't know what I'm doing
that's making me have all these fears
in the first place.

The problem with all these fears
is that I know three days from now
when I turn 20
none of them will have gone away.

Sincerely,
xx
Blue