living as malleable beings.

Dear you,


My spine is a tree and my ribs are a maze leading to my heart. And darling, I'm not ready to show you the map.

But if we're being honest here, I don't think my heart's in the center.

I'm pretty sure it's with a boy who has been gone so long I've forgotten the color of his eyes, but I'll never forget the way he used to laugh. Though it could be with a boy who used to say I love you like it was his dying breath, or maybe it's with a girl who I used to wish wasn't so caught up on what his lips looked like, or maybe it's just never been in my chest to begin with.

And though some people beg to differ, I've never been kissed. No, I mean kissed in a way that matters, in a way that reminds me I am worth something. In a way that I actually wanted.

My dad used to tell me I was broken. That no matter what I did, no doctor in the world could fix me because you can't cure a mental illness. No amount of drugs will ever be enough to satisfy my soul and I refuse to take medication for something no medical specialist can explain. The heart is a fickle creature, but the brain is far more confusing.

And when I caught him rubbing his scars, I didn't tell him so, but I wanted to kiss them better. Instead I showed him mine and he said they were beautiful. He would exhale smoke to melt into the night sky and I would inhale it through my nose just to know what dying smelled like.

But I've got to be honest here. My spine is a tree and my ribs are a maze containing my heart.

And I'm pretty sure I've been lost looking for myself in my chest for longer than I've been alive, and if you think you know this maze better than I do you can go straight to Hell.

Because if I'm being honest here, I'm not listening anymore to your threories on who I should be compared to who I am.

If I never make it out of here, I hope you don't either. Because darling, I have a penchant for boys who smoke and the fire in your eyes has been out so long I'm afraid I'm not impressed with your smolder. Maybe I should just get over it and stop being so bitter. Then again, I think I have reason.

So darling, remember that my spine is a tree and though I look short, I'm pretty sure that evergreen is taller than you'll ever be.

Sincerely,
xx
Blue