Today I heard a song and for the first time in a really long time when I thought about sharing it with you, then remembered you were gone, I didn't feel sad.
Instead I wondered if maybe you have moments like that, too.
Where you hear a song for the first time and the first thing that pops into your head is, "I have to share this with her. I hope it'll make her smile."
We were always trying to figure out the other's music taste. Sometimes we failed, and other times we were spot-on without knowing it.
In case you were wondering, I still sing out-of-tune to any song, even if I don't know all the words.
I wonder if you still pick through those songs on your guitar, even if you sometimes made our ears hurt in the process. (Our souls were happy anyhow.)
I've lost most things connecting the lines from me to you. I still haven't opened the birthday present you gave me last year. I keep thinking maybe if I leave it long enough, things will go back to the way they were. But that's impossible, isn't it? So many things have changed since then, and even before that. An unopened birthday present isn't a time machine, after all.
I was always racing after your heart. My lungs were always sore and you were never close enough. Then before I knew it, she was already at the finish line. But how could I even be upset? After all, there was always someone smarter than me, more interesting, more beautiful, more something that I didn't have. And I know you were always thinking of her, more than anyone else, and I reminded you of her. I know that hurt you at times, even if you didn't say it. You always got bad around the end of November and were never really better until around Christmas.
I'm sorry that she died.
I'm sorry that I could never be her. I'm sorry that I wasn't as smart, passionate, or clever as her. I never said the right words and my temper is far too short to be that gentle spirit. I'm sorry I could never be a vegetarian.
Sometimes all I want is to be able to send you music, even if I can't ever hear your laugh again.
And I still wonder if maybe you stay awake at night, missing me as much as I miss you.
With the sincerest amount of love and apologies,
xx
Blue
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