I spent twenty minutes looking for my beanie I forgot I gave away and now I'm regretting it because I'm starting to think I might look good in hats. (I probably still look bad in them.)
I spent thirty minutes making a paper crane mobile because I had an empty hook were one from my childhood used to hang and I wanted a little something of myself. (The bottom red one I made with sharpies is actually supposed to be butterfly paper, but I didn't tell anyone that.)
I spent all three years of high school practically invisible to all my teachers except Shep and Nelson and ducking under the elbows of boys too tall to understand what an elbow to the face feels like and not fast enough to avoid the hands of sexually harassing boys in those crowded intersections and not pretty enough to be friends with any of the right people. (I wish I had made more friends or at least been asked to one dance or maybe even forced my way into the prom not on a pity blind date.)
I spent the last year in college avoiding my lecture halls because crowds give me anxiety. The only reason I ever went to my demography class was because this boy had pink hair that he changed to green mid-way through the semester and a see-through backpack. (He was fascinating and I wish I could remember his name and that we had actually been friends.)
I spent this past month trying to get a job and it was really frustrating and I just hate everyone who brings up employment at this point because I get I need a job, why do you think I've filled out 57 goddamn applications, please leave me alone, okay? (I'm still not employed. I think people can smell the art major on me.)
I spent the past 18 years trying to figure out who the hell I am and I still don't have an answer. I'm turning 19 in two months. I don't think I'll ever figure out who I am. All I know is I'm trying to be a better person. People need love. They need kindness, they need to know someone cares. (I just want to care about people, even if it's only a little.)
I spent an hour today watching comedy skits because I felt like I needed to laugh. And I mean pointlessly laugh, laugh without a purpose, because no one seems to laugh like that anymore lately. No one seems to laugh for real without needing to, just laughing at something because it is funny for the sake of being funny. (I wish I could get away with having my profession be a comedian, but alas, I am not actually that funny.)
I spent years collecting pennies and I still don't think I have enough to pay for a trip to anywhere. Maybe it's because I only have one mason jar full, but I think I'll start on a second one now. Maybe by the time I turn 19 I'll have enough to at least fill my gas tank and just drive. Maybe I'll use a penny to play the turn game. (I am sad for no one who has enough sense of adventure to do this and try to get lost.)
I spend every day wondering if I will ever stop being insignificant and hoping that someday I will matter to at least one person enough for them to text me first. (And I'm excluding you and her from this because you and her always text me first.)
Sincerely,
xx
Blue
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