permanently bruised for you.

Dear you,

I hate taking risks the same way I loved vandalizing your heart with my name just so you would never forget me.

I keep forgetting the way your voice sounds but I'll never forget the way I could always tell if you had just taken a cigarette from your lips because, "Hey beautiful" always sounded a bit more meaningful on a cloud of smoke exhaled from that mouth I never got to kiss.

My first inhale of smoke felt like fire in my throat and the way it scorched my lungs reminded me of the way my eyes were burning that night I thought I had lost you forever.

His lips on mine didn't last forever but I felt like those kisses I didn't really want were an eternity of mistakes I would never be able to make up to you.

You used to tell me you loved me every time I was angry with you even if you didn't know if that would make it up to me and you apologized first any time we fought, no matter who had started it or who was at fault.

You were always at fault for the huge smile on my lips at each and every phone call and you were the one who could always tell exactly when I was blushing even when I didn't say anything at all and you are completely to blame for the way I snort when I laugh now.

I miss the way you used to make me laugh and the way you used to say it was fine if I couldn't cook, because I knew how to make dessert and you were planning on going to culinary school anyway, we wouldn't starve.

Sometimes I find myself starving to know what your lips would have felt like on mine and sometimes I find myself crying without knowing why because I keep forgetting I am beautiful without you here to remind me on an exhale of smoke.

I love taking risks the same way I hated losing myself in loving you.

Sincerely no longer yours,
xx
Blue