we are reckless and wild youth.

Dear you,

I just want you to know upfront that I censor every letter I send to you.

It's sort of difficult sometimes when I don't exactly have a backspace key on my typewriter and I really hate whiteout. But that's what all those X's are, besides me giving you my love (X's are supposed to be kisses, right?) because I don't want to send a missionary a letter filled with my profanity or my typos, because that's sometimes also what they are.

Sometimes I get halfway through a word like "shit" and I stop at about "sh-" and go backspace backspace backspace and then it's all xxxxxxxx is ugly bold over top of my ugly thoughts.

It's sort of fun though, knowing exactly how bad my swearing problem is.

I guess I just don't want to disappoint you. Because we both know I'm not exactly the "best" of people, but we also both know I'm not exactly the "worst" of people, either. And I don't go to church and I don't read any sort of bible or scripture, but I was still really happy when you shared some of those quotes with me from your scriptures. Because while I may not believe in the same things as you and I sure as hell don't like having those things shoved down my throat (religion is like a penis - it's best not given without consent) it made me happy that you gave them to me because you knew I was feeling down.

And I don't know what you went through, but I'm just glad you could sense I needed to hear you definitely went through something when I told you my anxiety was starting to get the best of me again. (It's still kind of bad.) I guess that's why you're my best friend, huh?

Sometimes I get sad that I can't marry you. That isn't my role, though. That's always been hers (or maybe even some pretty other girl we don't know about yet). You wouldn't really want to marry me, because I can't give you a marriage that you want among other things, like you probably will never love me that way and you probably can't even imagine a love like that for me. (Sometimes I just want to apologize for who I am to you, which makes no sense, because you and I are fine the way we are, in all our imperfection, and I'm just glad you love me at all plus I'm trying to stop apologizing for who I am as much.) Maybe I only want to marry you because then you could sing to me all the time and we could build forts every day.

I've been losing my confidence lately. Maybe it's because I've been trying to stop biting my nails and even painted them black but then they started chipping and now they're shorter than ever or maybe it's because I've been meaning to finish unpacking since three weeks ago and my room is still not done or maybe it's because I haven't really been called beautiful since I broke up with him more than a year ago or maybe it's the way my doctor and I have a habit of fixing everything with prescription drugs it seems or maybe it's because he won't date me even though I keep getting assured he likes me or maybe it's because I cried a few hours ago or maybe it's because I keep trying to go to sleep earlier when all I do is end up staying up later than I did the night before or maybe it's because I suddenly have allergies when I've never had them before and I'm terrified they're from my dog when all I want is to keep loving her until the day she dies. I guess it's okay, though, because I know you'll always be there for me even when you're over one-thousand miles away.

I told my mom the other day about my whole self-harm thing. Which is a little late. But we were talking and I guess I just felt like I should tell her. Mostly because I thought about how you told me about your struggle with your own issues and I wanted to let my mom know something about me I'd been hiding for a long time.

I also told my brother about my whole asexuality thing. And I get that maybe it isn't like a huge coming-out, but it was important to me. I didn't want him not to know. (Maybe just mostly for my asexual jokes I make all the time.) Plus I'm turning into one of those people who gets really angry at the whole quit-shoving-your-sexuality-down-our-throats people who don't like when they see two men kissing or some shit because exuseeeee you, I have to deal with your heterosexual AND homosexual AND bisexual AND whateverthehellelse-sexual PDA all the goddamn time, now you know how I feel, thank you very much. (Imagine if all asexual people suddenly started getting mad at all the -sexual couples about kissing? Heaven forbid.) Anyway.

I need to apologize for how long my letters to you have been getting. I know you're busy and don't exactly have all the time in the world to read my six-paged double-spaced letters and I get that you don't exactly have all the time to make paper cranes even though I sent you the instructions which I hope weren't too hard to read, because I mean, I did drawn them myself and I'm not very good at instructions I feel like, but I still hope you were able to make one, even if all it means is we're still able to be friends even from a distance. (I've made almost two hundred since you left and I might just go for a thousand, just to make that paper crane wish even though I have no idea what I'd wish for.)

I love you and I know even though I miss you like hell, that you're doing good things for people who need you more than I do. Please keep remembering to send me letters and please be careful not to look another cat into your bike closet.

Sincerely with all the love in the world,
xx
Blue